Yesterday, she arrived back at her home home for Christmas vacation. Right now, I am all alone in a four bedroom house (rented) as everyone else has gone (two of them have gone home including her and the other has gone to London with her boyfriend). It has been an all painful experience so far without her. I miss her. When she's around me I don't seem to take much notice but now that she's gone I feel lonely. I guess this is how humans are by nature. You never really notice the person until their are really gone... I wish that one day she too would take notice of me.
She had gone home for many reasons and she was actually quite reluctant to go back but the fact is she's gone. By going back, one other fact that will happen during her three weeks stay... it will occur many times: she will be seeing the other guy. I don't know why I can't get over this fact. It might be because she has hurt me so deeply these past couple of months and because the other guy had 'stolen' her from me.
She rang me yesterday at the airport through Skype at 4am, my time, to tell me that she arrived safely. I instantly felt a barrier between us... obviously by being so far away but we also changed the way we spoke to each other... more friendly and more fake. It felt profoundly weird; how it can all change by distance......
Making dinner alone felt so strange and uncomfortable after the months and months of cooking together with her all the time. Maybe I've simply not yet adjusted to this kind of singular lifestyle yet. The annoying thing is, I keep thinking about her and what it would be like with her around. I hate myself, really.......
During our Skype-to-mobile conversation she said she would ring me again today... I feel she won't really, to be honest. There are many more interesting things there to keep her busy... she will probably forget about me, if not already forgotten. I keep wondering what she is doing right now. Is she having food with her family? Is she with the other guy right now? Is she going to forget about all the work she needs to do over Christmas and simply enjoy it all? Will she ever text me and ring me like she does for the other guy when she was here? Will I feel some care and love from her at all? I notice that now that she's back at home she no longer logs in to her online chat programs...
This will be the best opportunity for me to forget about her. If there is no conversation between us for three weeks, I am pretty sure I can do it. I have lots of work to keep me busy too. I need to find ways to keep my mind off her...
