So that was how I started out this blog... it was after I secretly viewed her online blog and its spectacular contents that I decided it was time to start my own so I could keep a record of this story for all eternity (well, until this blog decides to close shop).
After we broke up, our friendship and relationship in general has been very complicated and unclear. There were times when we would fight and argue and act like we never knew each and there were times when we would hold each other and kiss and make love. Our status was unknown and what happened simply happened. She was the river and I was the fish.
When she rings the other guy (every other day) my heart still aches slightly... with each passing day the aches get weaker and weaker. I don't know it I was finally losing all my love for her or if I simply accepted the calls as part of our complicated relationship. That said, even if the other guy decides to break up with her and she was single again and willing to go out with me, I would not be able accept her. I would only accept someone who was actually in love with me, not someone to catch her on the rebound.
Then today, it was the end for us. Yesterday, we had a fight... it wasn't really serious looking back but at the time... any normal person would have reacted similarly. A fly was flying near my head and she decided to use her hand to swot it... only she aimed to use her hand and my head as the death trap for the fly. I was reading something on my laptop at the time, oblivious to the situation. What followed was obvious. I got extremely furious... least that a dead fly was in my hair... but the way she acted and what she had done. She laughed and proceeded to get some tissue to pick up the fly and show it to me. All I could think about at the time was why and how could she do something like that. She had literally used me as an object... just like the other times she orders me to do mundane chores for her... at which moment all the feelings could flooding back... she was not the one for me; she did not love me at all; she liked me as a friend; she liked me because I was useful and obedient.
One of the big issues we had when we were going out was cultural differences as well. According to her I was too much of a miser and in general I cared too much about money and she didn't like that about me. At the time, I didn't disagree because we were culturally different and she wasn't use to the idea of going dutch with shopping and dinners. Over time I tried to improve this issue by trying to pay for all the food we consumed. This was not a viable solution for me. I am not made of cash and my financial background is quite poor. How does she expect me to pay for all the shopping bills? In her country, the men paid for everything, which is fair enough if we were married but we're not. We're students... I for one am living on student loans and pocket money. Even so, I tried this term to pay upfront as much as possible whenever food was involved. We had a fight some days ago and we calculated how much I paid for our supermarket shopping... it came to £190. Therefore she should technically owe me £95. I already resisted from asking to be reimbursed until she decided it would be funny to ask me for money that I apparently owed her for something, a couple of pounds. What I conclude from this is: 1. She doesn't keep count about money unless it is her money that is in jeopardy. 2. She doesn't notice that I am trying to be more open about money and she is actually less open herself. 3. She doesn't feel its wrong to be spending my money... the money of the guy who she betrayed... the guy who is no longer her boyfriend... the person who is no longer in a position of 'responsibility' for her. Let's face it, in UK we don't really pay everything for the other half/good friend. Even married couples sometimes keeps tabs... and we are not even officially couples anymore! To me, it seemed like she was simply using me... not that she was poor... she had money lots of it... but she was simply using me because she could, it didn't have to be money... it could be anything from making food (I have been cooking mostly this term for us) to going into town to get her a refund for a top she didn't want.
All these feelings came at me in force when she laughed and showed me the fly she had killed using my head (of course after grabbing a tissue to pick up its dead body)... its insides probably all over my hair... I ignored her for the rest of the night, and the next day I decided I would do something to hurt her back. I asked for my money back for all the shopping... she tried to offset the amount by talking about the money I owed her and I decided that if she wanted to play this game I would join her. I pointed out the money she owed me for a calender and some textbooks that she didn't pay for. It made her mad... she said it disgusted her that I did that. (I feel disgusted about her as well so I guess we're even.) I don't know what I am obliged to sacrifice for her... who was she? She was someone I loved dearly... but who was I to her? I was someone she felt comfortable with and ready to be used. She didn't love me... she even said that herself... so I am sitting her wondering what it is that she is expecting of me. Her princess attitude is always just hiding around the corner ready to emerge when you least expect it. After this, she and I completely broke down our friendship. She informed me that she was no longer interested in being even a normal friend with me. She gave me back the present I bought her for her birthday and a ring I gave her back when we were still going out. I could feel the conclusive and final decision from her... it was definitely real. She really doesn't want to have anything to do with me again.
As I am unable to completely give up my love for her and move on, I wanted to do something to her that would make her hate me so that she would not want me to be anywhere near her again. I guess I have succeeded now. In some ways, I feel lighter... no longer stressed... no longer stupid... no longer pathetically around her all the time... I had finally done something to break off our relationship completely, in other ways I feel stronger and feel ready to move onto my next chapter of my life, and in no ways do I feel painful or sad... well maybe slightly.
To be honest, I don't see how, in the long run, she and the other guy could have a future together. The other guy is poorer than me and his future prospects in earning money isn't looking good according to her. His personality and attitude is also something to be desired for her. So why does she like him so much? It was as I had mentioned before... because they were school mates during middle school... they never really had the chance to go out then because of pressures from study and family. To her she was given a second chance to re-live her dream... the dream she missed once before. She is chasing dreams... just like me... we're both chasing dreams that are moving increasing away from us.
We have broken up many times before and each one feels like it would be the end for us... but each time we somehow manage to get back together again... will this time be different? Will this time be the end of our ending game? I don't know... I am still a fish... except the world is my river now....
