About a week after we started university, she asked me for help with her blog page. It was her secret blog that no one knows about. It was there simply for her to record down moments and feelings she had at the time and she rarely used it because she was a lazy person. She wanted to personalise it with some scripts to make it pretty and stuff... you know... the way girls like them: pink and full of crap little animations. To be honest I was quite surprised she was using her blog at all and this time I decided I would note down the url and her username so I could do some searching and viewing later. I know it is probably wrong to do something like this but, hey, its a blog, people can see it anyway and it should contain some moments of our past in there somewhere...
It turns out... it turns out that this will be my most important realisation. The blog would be useful to gauge her love for me since it could contain her real and honest feelings. I read it... I read it again... and once more just to make sure... there was no me. Me was not there at all. What it contained were a few logs of her ex-boyfriend (ex-ex boyfriend to be precise) and many about her current boyfriend. It was like I never existed... it was like I never part of her life at any point in time... why?
She posted about how she felt sorry about her ex-ex-boyfriend and how badly she had treated him... this was dated after she and I had already been going out for a couple of months.
What was even more painful... (like adding vinegar to a fly whose wings have been freshly plucked) was the date she first posted about the other guy. It was July 10th and the post described she met the guy on July 7th. That meant she saw the guy 2 weeks after summer vacation started... she broke up with me sometime in mid August... wow. In the post, she described how she feel in love with him again and how incredible true love was. In contrast, I would guess to our love...
The blog continued with posts of her moments with the other guy... about 8 posts in their 2 month relationship. 0 posts for our nearly year long relationship and before she met the guy the last post dated 6 months back... there was obviously something else here. This is the stark difference between what she feels about me and what she feels about him in full technicolor glory. I gave up.
