So she became my girlfriend. In fact, my first real girlfriend. I was determined to see how far I would get with this relationship. I mentioned I asked her out because it was my mission rather than out of the intensity of my feelings for her. My actual love for her at the time was pretty low. All I knew was that I felt comfortable around her and it felt right to be with her.
Our rollercoaster ride began. Within days, we had our first fight: I decided it was fine to go and have fun with another girl (friend) whilst neglecting her. Looking back, I think I had made many mistakes a boyfriend shouldn't have to make. We fought a lot. We broke up many times but within days we always got back together. Signs of weariness of our relationship was starting to show.
Oh, I left out a lot of detail. Maybe I should go back a bit. My first shock was that we both couldn't remember what night it was that I kissed her (our beginning). It showed that we didn't really care that much... it wasn't special. This relationship wasn't going to last was it? What followed was not a transition from friends to couples relationship, at least it didn't feel like it. Our relationship seemed more like an extended friendship with kissing and hugging than a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It took significant arguments and fights before my feelings for her heightened. It was the fights that felt like I was about to lose her that caused me to change and treat her better. Each fight caused my position in the relationship to drop. Let me explain. I believe love can be weighed and measured. Maybe at first both our love for each other were equal (equally low). With each fight, her love for me dropped slightly or was left unchanged while mine increased slightly. After a while, my love for her was not balanced with her love for me. This lead her to take 'control' over me, you could say. I already talked about the princess side of her. She would use this imbalance to exploit me, causing me to effectively become her slave, doing mundane and tedious tasks for her. Of course, if I tried to turn things around she would not allow it and because my love for her was greater, I would allow her to do such things to me.
I didn't understand why I had to sacrifice so much to be with her. Wasn't it enough to just be together and be happy and can't we do everything together rather than command me to do them? I still don't know if I was being childish and looking too much for equality or if those are the unwritten rules of a boyfriend. Of course, I understand about sacrificing for one another. However, it seemed like I am the only one doing it. I am the only one who was changing... I was the one who waited for her at the train station for five hours because she came back on a later train and her phone ran out of battery and she couldn't remember my number... would she have the patience to even wait an hour for me? Was she willing to do anything for me?
Whilst my feelings for her increased, I could at the same time see that she didn't really love me at all. There was simply a gap in her life without someone to be with and I was comfortable to be around for her. Nevertheless, it was too late for us to turn back now. The rollercoaster had already started moving along its tracks, it would only end once the bumpy ride was over... and when was the ride to end? Only time could tell...
